It’s exhausting being strong. Pretending things don’t bother me. Pretending I don’t need anybody. Pretending these aren’t tears rolling down my cheek. Pretending I don’t want someone to share my day with. Pretending “I got this.”
It’s not all pretending, all of the time. I’m dreadfully self-sufficient. Everything I am and everything I have, I’ve done for myself. I thank no one for my hard work and discipline. I blame no one for my choices.
It’s not that anyone asked me to. I use to just think I should. I use to think the silent request was for me to find my own way and leave the rest for others. If I didn’t need it then accepting it was stealing it from others. Others more worthy. Others more needing.
I’m good at it, though. Pretending.
As much as I hate pretending, I’d hate not pretending even more. Then I’d be weak. Then I’d be needy. I’d be somebody who needs someone. Then I’d have to trust. Trust doesn’t grow on trees nor is there a place for it here. It’s okay, though. It’s better this way.
It’s better for you to think I’m made of ice. It’s easier to pretend that’s not the sound of my heart breaking.
It’s better that I don’t need you. Now there is no chance of your disappointing me.
It’s better for me to cry alone in my room. Tears are rarely useful and you’ve got your tears, too.
It’s better not to share my days with another. The day when he leaves can never come.
It’s better to pretend “I got this.” I will. Someday, I will.
My secret is: Things bother me, I do need somebody, I cry all the time, and I don’t really got this.
But I will. Someday. I will.