I am who I am

I am not who I was.

I am not who I will be.

I am who I am.

Who you are is nothing more than the choice you make in the next moment.

I am nothing more than that.

I am not an expectation.

I am not a disappointment.

I am what I am.

Who you are is nothing more than the choice you make in the next moment.

Nothing more than that.


Who are you now?

A boring story of the past year of my joint pain

Sometime in the late winter and early spring of 2010, my body gave up on me.

Pain in my elbow, a low throb.

I’m a climber, tendonitis is something I do just as often as tie in so I thought nothing of it. Until the fall of 2010, after some time taking it easy, and the pain moved into my fingers, wrists, ankles and, finally, my hips. Washing dishes, climbing, and sleeping were the 3 most painful tasks I could engage in on any given day. Standing and walking very close 4th and 5th things for me.

Seeew, I finally went to see the doctor in January 2011. My primary care physician. I really like Dr. Wiswe. She’s German. Had some blood drawn and came back positive for antibodies which could suggest RA. I just turned 30. This was not great news. So I trekked off to the Rheumatologist. Apparently they are known for being handsy as they check for rashes and things, she kept reassuring me she wasn’t trying to be fresh with me. I wouldn’t have minded, she was pretty cool and really pretty. But any-ole-who, negative for Lupus (phew!), negative for RA (double phew!), negative for arthritis (woot!), bone density normal, no inflammation, no unusual antibodies, Sjogren’s syndrome negative!!

Basically, I be totally fine.

Except that it hurts to sleep in a position that puts pressure on my hips. Standing around and walking my dogs and holding their leashes and texting and holding a book all make my joints feel as though they are on fire.

I'm completely fine except for all the pain

Seeeeeew, off to a Nutritionist. I didn’t like her. I knew more about what I might need to do than she did. Anti-inflammatory diet and get my PCP to check me for celiac’s (negative, btdubs). I did all the right stuff for a while with very little noticeable change but with all my tests coming back negative I thought that maybe I was crazy. Maybe I wasn’t feeling these things I only thought I was feeling them and none of it was real. Until the next time I woke up in the middle of the night because of the searing pain in my right hip. Although the right side gets it first, it shares with the left side.

It’s now mid-summer and I’ve started relaxing my diet because I’m perfectly healthy, the doctors say, and the pains seem to be less bothersome less often. The girls and I are doing our 6 mile jog every morning at 4:45am for 4 weeks and then one day, I can’t run. Hell, I can barely walk. My right knee is killing me. So, I stop. A few weeks later, I try running again. I can’t. So it’s time to call Dr. Wiswe again. This time, finally, something. A cyst. A baker’s cyst…which can be linked to Lyme’s Disease…which can cause all sorts of nuisancy joint pain. Holy shit! I’ve never been happier to have a diagnosis in my life. I asked to be retested for Lyme’s which my doctor tells me is moot-ish. Apparently the test is only reliable when it comes back positive. If it comes back negative you have a 50/50 chance of it being right. (Dude, I know. WTF is that? And whyTF did we assume the negative result 5 months ago was indicative of anything?) But whatevs, I tell her she’s going to start treating me for Lyme’s. She does. That was a fun few weeks when the antibiotic she gave me was too much for my puny little system to handle and I was so gross and ill she had to put me on AMOX. I feel like a loser. Amox is for losers. Again, but whatevs…I do my time and call the puzzle solved.

Until…now…October 2011. Temperatures dipped below 65F this week. I’m sitting here right now with a burning in my right hip. It started 4 days ago, and by started I mean more bothersome more often than it was all summer. My elbow feels all tendonitisy again, too. Pains in my wrists and fingers are again soothed by running them under boiling water. Oh, and now…my pasta for dinner on Monday night made feel like I’d eat all my Halloween candy in one sitting. Wednesday pizza night with Caroline turned into Thursday Megan has to wear sunglasses at her desk to stave off the nausea and light-headedness.

Yesterday I went for more blood work for the Rheumatologist but only to confirm all the negative results to begin with. In two weeks I’m seeing an allergist.

When everything comes back negative again, I will then be officially out of ideas. So, like, if you have any…please share. That’s really the point of this whole very long, very boring, very drawn out story of my medical life this past yearish and a half. I’m running out of ideas.