I’ve been in a pretty rancid mood the past few weeks. I’m talking baring my teeth and snarling when others have the audacity to look in my general direction. I’m talking shut down and holed-up in my little world of puppy-dog tails and angry music. It hasn’t been pretty and it’s not getting any better. I generally walter along the border of I-hate-everyone and you-are-one-stupid-muther-mucker but this is worse. Waaaaay worse. The I-hate-you-and-wish-you-were-dead look I got grounded for so much as a teen has been etched into my features for days now. I don’t even want to be around myself because I’m just bringing me down.
Right now if you are tall, short, thin, fat, smart, dumb, ugly, really ugly, annoying, kind, funny, farting, sneezing, smiling, breathing, looking, blinking, eating, or sleeping…I kinda want to punch you in the face. So I thought “Aha! I know. I’ll focus my disgust and frustration!” by lining up some things that bother me will give me perspective and aim. I will try to only want to punch offenders of these top 10 things.
Note: If you are reading and thinking to yourself “Egads! That sounds like me! Does she hate me?” First, hit yourself for saying egads. Then read what I’ve said about the use of the word hate. Then try to think if I still communicate with you. If I do chances are I’ve decided to let you slide. If I don’t then yes, I hate you.
10. Small talk: Guess what? If it’s June, July, or August we don’t need to run through how hot and humid it is or how long it’s going to stay that way. When we are talking about weather all I’m hearing is “I don’t know what to say to you but I feel compelled to fill space with words.” Hey, don’t feel compelled on my account. Give me a quick head nod, rhetorical “How’s it going” and be done with it.
No, no. Shhhhhh! It’s okay. Let’s enjoy this quiet time. Quietly.
Example of when small talk goes wrong: Coworker 1 is leaving for the day. She’s a woman just back from maternity leave. She’s carrying out to her car her refrigerated bag and pump parts from her daily toils. Coworker 2 asks, “Dinner?” and gestures to the bag. Dude?! Shhhhh!!!
9. Celebrity Gossip: I didn’t give a shit when Jesse cheated on Sandra, don’t give one now for Miz Von D. I don’t care how long Lindsay Lohan is going to jail. I don’t know if Casey Anthony killed her kid but the jury of her peers acquitting her means I won’t further opine she should get the death penalty. I got bills to pay, friends to see, and real people I’ve known for ages making shitty choices in their lives for me to sit back and talk about. The hell I need Brangelina for?
8. Turning left on yellow then red: This one drives me batty. I think it is because the bigger problem is that when you continue driving when the little color indicators have told you to stop, it must be that you think that where you are going and how soon you get there is more important than where I am going and how soon I get there. Sometimes when your pregnant wife is in labor or you just got an emergency call from home, sure. But that’s the exception, the 1%. The rule? The 99%ers are just dbags, man. I want to ram into the side of you and your shitty little Volvo. Asshole. Also, if you ignore traffic signals a mile back indicating lanes merge to one, you can just sit your ass over there in that lane with your blinker on looking like the dbag that you are until someone else let’s you in. Twon’t be me.
7. Soy: I used to like you, Soy. But we can’t be friends anymore. You make me want to poke my eyes out, I assume the correlation of you not in my life and my not wanting to poke my eyes out is related. You are everywhere. Seriously. Get a life. Get out of my salad dressing. Go just be edemame and be happy with your choice in life. It’s a good choice. Edemame are delicious.
6. Using inappropriate words that don’t apply: I have a real problem when people use words of real magnitude to describe their mundane lives. A test did not rape you nor did the IRS on April 15th nor is the decision to eat meat like rape. Rape is a violent act committed upon a person that violates their very everything in the most grotesque way possible. Stop say that! I always hear people say how depressed they are or how they have OCD because they like a clean house. These are real problems, People. Real problems that people have to work at. We trivialize these words by flagrantly throwing them around in every day conversation. I didn’t write the book and I’m not an expert but my first year of college saw me as an in-patient and the last 12 years I’ve been in and out of therapy for depression. It doesn’t matter how bad you think you got it, chances are there is someone sitting next to you who’s got it bad, too. Worse, maybe.
5. Generalities, Always & Never specifically: The only thing you can be sure of when you say something is always or never some way is that you will be wrong. When I use sweeping generalizations, I mentally kick myself. I had a boyfriend once who would say “You never smile. You are always unhappy.” Firstly, I couldn’t stand that guy. Secondly, every time he’d say that, I wanted to bash his giraffe-like head in. Thirdly, totally not true. Even when I was dating the black-hole of happy feelings, he couldn’t stop me from being the funniest damn person I know. No one can be always something or never something else. Ted Bundy had girlfriends who didn’t know he was a psychopath so even he must have picked up a bouquet or two from his local grocery store on the way home from his emergency hot-line gig.
Today I said to a friend “You always seem disappointed” Ach <punches self in face>. I didn’t mean that. Of course, I know he’s not always disappointed.
Let’s remember that e’ryone is different and respect those differences instead of lumping people together based on race, ethnicity, religion, mental development, hair color, or anything other way we’re always unfairly categorizing people.
4. Hate: This is one I do constantly. I say hate. In the 5th grade Mr. Fischer wouldn’t let us use the word “hate” because he said we were too young to really understand what it meant. Since I didn’t know what he meant, he must have been right. He was. Hate is a pretty ugly and powerful thing. I see hate and I hear hate and I don’t like it. I’ve tried to think about something or someone who fills me with rage and disgust and ugly of such a magnitude that would warrant my use of the word. I can’t think of one. I’m really glad, actually. I don’t need that in my life.
I don’t hate people or tomatoes or little white dogs or screaming children. People make me uncomfortable. Tomatoes make me want to hurl. Little white dogs…Screaming children go home with someone not me. Oh! I know…little white dogs are pretty when they are clean.
3. People who don’t vote: If you sent out your “Thank you”s to veterans past and present last week and then don’t vote – well you’ve just done those veterans a disservice. To the ones who fought for your right to vote and the ones who fight for the rights of people the world over who are pleading for a modicum of the freedoms we possess in this great (albeit damaged) country.
2. Moussaka: Gross. Just gross. Someone came into my home (or rather my mother opened the door and let them in so really, shame on her) and cooked this atrocity. I was 4 years old, 27 years I’ve been carrying this baggage. Story goes, I came in from a lovely afternoon of gallivanting in beautiful San Antonio and asked “What stinks?” “Your dinner,” was the reply and this little piggy ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner that night. Screw you, Moussaka.
1. Facebook Birthdays: Look, man, if you only know my birthday is today because Facebook told you so don’t jam up my damn wall with your salutations and shit. If I wanted you to know then I’d have called your ass up and told you to take me out for a drink because I wanted to waste a night of my life in your presence. Did I call you? No? Curious. Leave me alone. Or give me money. Your choice.
If I’m suspiciously the only person who didn’t wish you a Facebook birthday, you should view this as a sign of respect.