I Just Want To Climb


Climbing is my happy place.

It is where I go to remind myself that:

I am awesome
I am strong
I am sexy
I am beautiful
I can do whateverthehell I want

It is where I go to:

Clear my head
Strengthen my heart
Fight my doldrums
Is it weird climbing is a place, not my hobby?
[I know I am boringly on repeat…(yawn)
How many times can I talk about what climbing is to me?
Meh, stick with my blog and you will likely find out…]
 But any whooooo…

 A few months ago the ex, the fudgsicle, wanted to meet up.

I agreed.

Why did I agree?

I said it was because I wanted to give him the place to free himself from guilt because I was over it. I was lying. It was because I wanted to know what he wanted. I wanted to hear him say he was a jerk and he was sorry and I was wonderful and he was a fool.

He said those things and I was elated because I knew them to be true and now I knew he knew them to be true, too.

(Score 1 for the HOME TEAM)

Then he said, “Let’s do this again sometime. Let’s hang out. Let’s go climbing.” While my insides were screaming, “W-w-w-w-The-Fuuuu?” my outsides stupidly said “Sure, any time.” I didn’t meeeeean it. I thought it was one of those things you say when you say you should do some thing you have no intention of doing but at least you feel like you made the effort because you said you would think about doing it, even if you really know in your heart of hearts you won’t.

And it very nearly was that because I didn’t hear from the fudgsicle again until a month later.

In a month a million things can change. In a month you can realize that all you needed from that apology was the validation that the person who hurt you recognized that he hurt you. In a month you can let yourself be open again to meeting someone fantastic. In a month you can meet someone fantastic.

In a month I did all of these things.

So there I was a month later with a man who hurt me deeply, made amends, and wanted to make a go at being friends.

So there I was a month later at the beginnings of something I fell headfirst into somewhere between his being 4 minutes late to our first date and muttering “Fuck it!” under his breath as he grabbed my jacket and pulled me to him for our first kiss on our second. ((swoon))

So there I was a month later…confuzzled.

I am fiercely independent and the past few years I came to know fully that my life is mine; my choices are mine; I ask no one for permission for the decisions I make; I owe no one explanations of my life.

(Except in relationship)

The conversation with Mr. CouldTotallyBeMisterRight went something like this…

Me: We aren’t together together and I don’t owe you this information but as it is something I’m not sure if I should tell you or not, I’m sure it is something I should tell you so: The fudgsicle is climbing with me on Sunday.

Mr.CTBMR: The guy you’re in love with?

(insert my correction: was)

Mr.CTBMR: Right, but you were. We aren’t together together but if we were then I wouldn’t be okay with it. (insert reasons why not; be creative!!) 

So there I was a month later…still confuzzled.

I did what any fiercely independent person who doesn’t answer to anybody would do: I went climbing with Sir Fudg-A-lot.

It sucked.

Climbing is my happy place.

It is where I go to remind myself that:

I am awesome, strong, sexy, and beautiful
To clear my head, strengthen my heart, and fight my doldrums

Climbing wasn’t any of those things that day. I didn’t want to be sexy or beautiful. I wasn’t able to clear my head. All that was running through my head were the protestations of friends that the fudgsicle was not interested in only climbing, in being friends, but wheedling his way back into my life.

Another few weeks, another request to climb together, another conversation with Mr.CTBMR. This conversation went more like…

Mr.CTBMR: You want to see him. Why else did you see him the first time? The second time? This time?

Me: I don’t! I don’t want to see him!

So why did I?

Was it really because I wanted to assuage his guilt? I’m not that altruistic. Was it really because I did not want to be rude and say “no”? I say “no” all the time and rarely concern myself with who I’m being rude to. 

(Climbing into the Honesty Tree)

I did it because I want him to be sorry (yes, I’ve said). I want him to remember what a kind, forgiving, and loving person I am. I want him to remember what a beautiful, strong, funny person I am. I want him to see I survived. To see it. To sit with it. And then to go home and remember that he let me go. I want him to want and remember all those things and ask for it back just so that I can say, “I do not want you.”

Breathe

There I said it. I want him to want me so I can reject him.

(Wow, I guess I’m not so forgiving and loving after all)

I want to move forward, not backward. We were not friends before we met. He did not treat me friendly while he was deciding whether or not I was worth it. I will survive the loss, such as it is.

I will not lose the chance with Mr.CTBMR because of a fudgsicle. I do not want a fudgsicle. I want Mr. Right.

Breathe

…now…

C’est Fini

Now, it is

Not because of Mr. CTBMR but because of me.

The choice is mine.

The decision is made.

I ask for no one’s permission.

I owe no explanations.

It is Friday.

I will climb tonight and I will go back to my happy place.

I will be awesome.

I will be strong.

I will be sexy.

I will be beautiful.

I will climb clear-headed.

I will find strength in my heart.

I will chase away the doldrums.

(I will climb like a cow; a sexy cow) 

My Project 365: A Dog a Day (Day 62)


Day 62

My Project 365: A Dog A Day

I will select a dog a day to share here.

A dog that is sheltered or fostered in the continental US.

A dog that needs a loving home.

A dog that wants a second chance.

Rocks

 

 STATUS: AVAILABLE FOR ADOPTION AT PHILADELPHIA ACCT

[shelter info at bottom of post]

Meet Rocks!! (A15140665)

Male

75 lbs

3 Years

Philly ACCT says:  Rocks is a 3 year old Staffordshire Terrier mix with a brilliant light-brindle coat and adorable perky ears which seem to have a mind of their own! This big-hearted, jokester of a dog originally came to the shelter as a stray at the end of January, 2012. After his family didn’t come to claim him, he was adopted by a new family! Only to be returned because his new family thought he was just too playful for their small child. Though Rocks sits lower to the ground (a “low-rider”, if you will!), he weighs close to 75 pounds! He has some “junk in the trunk”, as they say, and could probably stand to shed a few pounds as well. He’s strong on the leash, but responds well to correction and isn’t difficult to handle when walking on a harness. Rocks is currently learning his basic manners and commands. He does sometimes like to use his mouth when playing, but does not use teeth! He responds very well to correction and remembers quickly that its not appropriate behavior. He is also learning not to jump up on people in order to get their attention. Because of this, Rocks would do well in a home with a family committed to continuing his basic obedience training. Once he has the basics down, he will be one great family dog! Rocks has no issues with basic or advanced handling and pretty much loves ALL attention! He loves to lean his pot belly pig-shaped body against you for ear scratches. Rocks didn’t show much interest in the cats here at the shelter, but should have another test before going home with any. Rocks LOVES other dogs and is very tolerant of the more pushy/playful dogs! The shelter staff often uses him to test other dogs to see if they are dog-friendly or not. Please bring your resident dogs down to meet him to make sure Rocks is a good fit for your family. Families with children under 13, please bring them down to meet him as well. Rocks would probably do best in a home with older children, as he may knock the smaller ones over unintentionally.

Philadelphia ACCT

111 W. Hunting Park Ave. Philadelphia, PA 19140

Phone: (267) 385-3800

Adoption Center Hours:

Monday through Friday 1PM – 8PM

Saturday and Sunday 10AM – 5PM