I Just Want To Climb


Climbing is my happy place.

It is where I go to remind myself that:

I am awesome
I am strong
I am sexy
I am beautiful
I can do whateverthehell I want

It is where I go to:

Clear my head
Strengthen my heart
Fight my doldrums
Is it weird climbing is a place, not my hobby?
[I know I am boringly on repeat…(yawn)
How many times can I talk about what climbing is to me?
Meh, stick with my blog and you will likely find out…]
 But any whooooo…

 A few months ago the ex, the fudgsicle, wanted to meet up.

I agreed.

Why did I agree?

I said it was because I wanted to give him the place to free himself from guilt because I was over it. I was lying. It was because I wanted to know what he wanted. I wanted to hear him say he was a jerk and he was sorry and I was wonderful and he was a fool.

He said those things and I was elated because I knew them to be true and now I knew he knew them to be true, too.

(Score 1 for the HOME TEAM)

Then he said, “Let’s do this again sometime. Let’s hang out. Let’s go climbing.” While my insides were screaming, “W-w-w-w-The-Fuuuu?” my outsides stupidly said “Sure, any time.” I didn’t meeeeean it. I thought it was one of those things you say when you say you should do some thing you have no intention of doing but at least you feel like you made the effort because you said you would think about doing it, even if you really know in your heart of hearts you won’t.

And it very nearly was that because I didn’t hear from the fudgsicle again until a month later.

In a month a million things can change. In a month you can realize that all you needed from that apology was the validation that the person who hurt you recognized that he hurt you. In a month you can let yourself be open again to meeting someone fantastic. In a month you can meet someone fantastic.

In a month I did all of these things.

So there I was a month later with a man who hurt me deeply, made amends, and wanted to make a go at being friends.

So there I was a month later at the beginnings of something I fell headfirst into somewhere between his being 4 minutes late to our first date and muttering “Fuck it!” under his breath as he grabbed my jacket and pulled me to him for our first kiss on our second. ((swoon))

So there I was a month later…confuzzled.

I am fiercely independent and the past few years I came to know fully that my life is mine; my choices are mine; I ask no one for permission for the decisions I make; I owe no one explanations of my life.

(Except in relationship)

The conversation with Mr. CouldTotallyBeMisterRight went something like this…

Me: We aren’t together together and I don’t owe you this information but as it is something I’m not sure if I should tell you or not, I’m sure it is something I should tell you so: The fudgsicle is climbing with me on Sunday.

Mr.CTBMR: The guy you’re in love with?

(insert my correction: was)

Mr.CTBMR: Right, but you were. We aren’t together together but if we were then I wouldn’t be okay with it. (insert reasons why not; be creative!!) 

So there I was a month later…still confuzzled.

I did what any fiercely independent person who doesn’t answer to anybody would do: I went climbing with Sir Fudg-A-lot.

It sucked.

Climbing is my happy place.

It is where I go to remind myself that:

I am awesome, strong, sexy, and beautiful
To clear my head, strengthen my heart, and fight my doldrums

Climbing wasn’t any of those things that day. I didn’t want to be sexy or beautiful. I wasn’t able to clear my head. All that was running through my head were the protestations of friends that the fudgsicle was not interested in only climbing, in being friends, but wheedling his way back into my life.

Another few weeks, another request to climb together, another conversation with Mr.CTBMR. This conversation went more like…

Mr.CTBMR: You want to see him. Why else did you see him the first time? The second time? This time?

Me: I don’t! I don’t want to see him!

So why did I?

Was it really because I wanted to assuage his guilt? I’m not that altruistic. Was it really because I did not want to be rude and say “no”? I say “no” all the time and rarely concern myself with who I’m being rude to. 

(Climbing into the Honesty Tree)

I did it because I want him to be sorry (yes, I’ve said). I want him to remember what a kind, forgiving, and loving person I am. I want him to remember what a beautiful, strong, funny person I am. I want him to see I survived. To see it. To sit with it. And then to go home and remember that he let me go. I want him to want and remember all those things and ask for it back just so that I can say, “I do not want you.”

Breathe

There I said it. I want him to want me so I can reject him.

(Wow, I guess I’m not so forgiving and loving after all)

I want to move forward, not backward. We were not friends before we met. He did not treat me friendly while he was deciding whether or not I was worth it. I will survive the loss, such as it is.

I will not lose the chance with Mr.CTBMR because of a fudgsicle. I do not want a fudgsicle. I want Mr. Right.

Breathe

…now…

C’est Fini

Now, it is

Not because of Mr. CTBMR but because of me.

The choice is mine.

The decision is made.

I ask for no one’s permission.

I owe no explanations.

It is Friday.

I will climb tonight and I will go back to my happy place.

I will be awesome.

I will be strong.

I will be sexy.

I will be beautiful.

I will climb clear-headed.

I will find strength in my heart.

I will chase away the doldrums.

(I will climb like a cow; a sexy cow) 

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About Anonymous Burn

I'm just a girl who has a blog. But I'm kinda groovy, too.

8 thoughts on “I Just Want To Climb

  1. pennypup says:

    I must admit… I was whisper-shouting “No!” at my screen (so as not to wake the kiddies) when you said you went climbing with the fudgsicle.

    I had a fudgsicle type once. I would have done the same you did; although I do not climb LOL
    Even though it was a mutual rejection on both our part… I think. (We fought.. a lot. I left and he didn’t stop me.)
    I wanted him to want me so I could gloat and say “Nah-nah-nana-nah-nah! You can’t have me!”

    Honestly now, I still think of him from time to time. I wonder is he effed his life up even more-so (and somewhat hope he did just cause I’m a biatch) so I could gloat even more. But, I tell myself I’ve moved on; moved forward to a better life.

    You are awesome.
    You are strong.
    You are sexy.
    You are beautiful.
    You do not need a fudgsicle to tell you so. You only need you.

    This post rocks.

    • All of this time I never really got angry for how he treated me, which was poorly. I was always being so understanding (or as much as I could be). So when Matt asked me why I continued to entertain the idea of seeing him, I genuinely didn’t have an answer. I had already made the decision (unbeknownst to Matt) that I would not risk losing him over the fudgsicle…so why was I playing with fire? When I was honest about why, it kind of made me disappointed with myself. I don’t need that, I’m better than that. But damned if rejecting him wouldn’t make me feel like I was the cat who got the cream!

      I am confident that your fudgsicle is miserable with his life choices and lamenting the day he let you walk out of his life. As he should. Meanwhile, you are off living the life with your skunked sweetheart, slumbering kiddies, and cuddled at night with your honey.

      *We* are awesome.
      *We* are strong.
      *We* are sexy.
      *We* are beautiful.

  2. Ye Gods, that is one sexy cow.

  3. Cara says:

    I just heart you and your honesty! What a beautiful post, Meg. So amazing that you are able to sit with yourself and explore the truth behind your actions and that you are aware. And I’m jealous that you love climbing so much, but so happy that it makes you feel all those things. All it makes me feel is: weak and frustrated with a side of camel toe 🙂

    • Thank you, Cara. Being honest about my ugly feelings is hard. I don’t want to be small, angry, mean. I don’t want to treat someone poorly because they treated me poorly. I want to be better than that. I was full of judgement for a minute or 20 but then I remembered that I am human and ugly feelings are what make me so. They are just as valid as the good ones so I might as well honor them, too.

      To continue my honesty…about climbing – it’s defeating as often as it is empowering. The defeat is so devestating, though, that the struggle for success is that much more empowering. The first post of yours I read was (I think) about pancakes. You and GlutenFree Baking had just gotten into a terrible row and you needed some time apart but you came back, made up, and made the hell out of your next batch. That’s me and the wall. Some days I hate it. Some days it makes me feel slow and heavy and clumsy and weak. Some days it scares me so much I get angry. It’s the days when I breathe easy and my head is clear that make all those other days worth struggling through.

      I think a healthy dose of camel toe is good for the soul, personally.

  4. For what (very little) it’s worth, I don’t think you were wrong to meet up with Fudge. What you wanted from him is what we all want when it’s over. You got it, and you’re now in an infinitely better place than you were before.

    I’m sorry that you let him climb with us, because he should *never again* have the ability to rob you of your joy. The myriad of reasons you cut him loose are great – but the best one by far is that your climbing is yours, and he cannot have it.

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