…waiting…


Waiting is THE PITS!

Me? Mama??

No, dear one…the other kind, the rut-kind, the filled with muck and swampage stew kind.

And I’m not one for waiting…

Right now I’m “waiting for life to be awesome.” That sounds so leaving-it-to-prayer which is the lamest way to say, “I give up on participating in my own life I’ll just let someone else handle it and praise them for a job well done and blame them for screwing things up for me.”

Some months back I found myself in a pickle. Man, I wish I’d found myself in a pickle, aren’t they just fermented cucumbers? I could have lived in a fermented cucumber for 6 months, I’m sure. I digress, I was in a predicament; a lease up, no place to call home and no real idea what the next few months would bring.

When the girls and I were forced out of the fairy tale albeit temporary lodgings and took up residence in such a far away land I had no way of knowing that the next few months would bring an ugliness: sadness, melancholia, hatred, pain, frustration, and a feeling of impotence…but they did.

Immediately my girls were terrorized by the little shit dog owned by the man whose house I moved into. I had lofty ideas of socializing the beast the demon Satan himself our resident dog and teaching him how to properly interact with other (my) dogs but watching both girls cower in fear at the mere sound of his movement filled me with a rage that I felt it better left alone, especially after he ripped into my knee after I threw myself in front of Rose to keep him from her and I had never felt so strong an urge to punt the little fucker. It’s not his fault. I know it’s not. I have two 50 + pound dogs. I have been socializing them and teaching them appropriate behavior since the day(s) I brought them home. Silence is victim of the classic “he’s little and cute doesn’t need much exercise or socializing.” It’s not true or right but it happens and I get it.

In the past few months, I have watched my über sweet, über shy Analaigh come into her own. Truly she was become a young lady full of confidence and joy. Conversely, I have watched my happy-go-lucky “HERE I AM, WORLD!!!” Rose withdraw into herself.

Away from the house, on walks with friends, or visits to the dogpark, all is right in the world and I feel like a good mom as I watch my girls smile and play with their friends. It is when I have to coax them into the backyard with the promise that “he’s not out here” because in my haste 3 days ago I didn’t check and he was that I feel like I failed them. It is when I remember the look of panic in their eyes as he pinned them in the corner when they trusted me to keep them safe that I feel like I have let them down. It is when Rose looks at me says, “I hear the mean doggie and I don’t trust you to keep me safe,” that I feel like an utter failure.

Secondary considerations are the trials and tribulations of living with a man who wants more from you (anything) than you want from him (nothing) (I just want the fucking toilet flushed regularly); the knowledge that the solution of some ailments merely begets more ailments just as mysterious; and dearly beloved friends and hobbies being so far that visiting too often means every month the budget is blown.

The past few months I have swung in the extremes of waking up with the sun and keeping my girls as far from this terrible place for as long as possible to hunkering down together cooped up in a single bedroom venturing out together only to potty and rushing back to the warm of our comforter.

So I’m waiting…waiting for life to be awesome.

Every choice I made was mine so I blame no one. I don’t believe in wrongness of choice because all decisions take us somewhere else we are meant to go and present us with the next set of choices for our future so I try not to regret that I made them.

And here we are.

I’m not aimlessly hoping life will just get its shit together without my helping it along. Oh no. I’m not one for prayer, remember? I’ve made choices and others have made choices and we’ve made some of them together. The waiting is so we can finally embark on the journey of those choices.

I can not wait to see my girls smile again while freely moving about their own home while mama and Ms. Caroline catch up on their days while learning how to create wonderous masterpieces that Auntie M and (someday) Aideroo can enjoy without physical pain. I can not wait to teach Aidan all about my girls and watch them all fall in love with each other. I can not wait for the feeling of coming home to family as we bicker about who left the toilet seat up, Tom, but thankfully flushed and will there be chicken nuggets for dinner for the children who don’t like vegetables and healthy foods.

I can not wait for life to be awesome.

…and pants will be optional…

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About Anonymous Burn

I'm just a girl who has a blog. But I'm kinda groovy, too.

8 thoughts on “…waiting…

  1. Addie says:

    You are awesome. And you know that I *do* think of you that way. It’s forever engraved in my mind and not just saying this just for the sake of saying it. You’re in a pickle, we both are, and your “honor it” words of wisdom always saves the day. I’m learning to appreciate it and see it as the greatest pickle I’ve been in. Then, life becomes sweeter that way.

    I hate pickles, by the way. Aaack! No pickles in my pizza!

    • No one should put pickles in a pizza!

      I love you dearly, Addie. Thank you for thinking so highly of me especially at times, like these, when I don’t feel like I deserve it. I guess I should take my own advice and just breathe. It’s all about choice and direction.

  2. You’re not waiting for life to be awesome. You’re making it so. I’m proud of the choices you’ve made, however bad they’ve seemed, because they’re bringing our little family together.

    My heart hurts for Rose right now. I hope these changes are good for her. I can’t wait to see my boy and your girls fall in love with one another.

    Pants? Pants will ALWAYS be optional….

  3. pennypup says:

    Oh poop. Don’t you just hate little dogs and their egos? Don’t you just hate little dog owners who think their ego’S are cute?! ARGGHH!

    I admire your restraint in the knee injury situation. I think I would have punted him…

    As for Mr. “I want more” I’ve been there. Not long back.. (I say that as it seems like 4 years ago was yesterday) I was living with roomates. Two of which wanted more. The other one was so immature for his age (older than me) I think he would rather have continued to pleasure himself to his anime than touch a woman LOL.
    I also went through the toilet never being flushed and even so far as to urine on the floor that was not cleaned up. (we’Re not talking droplets here)

    Situations suck, but they will get better. Look on the bright side; you and the girls are out of the house as often as you can be, which possibly is more than you would be in a more comfortable home.

    The girls must love that. =D

    • It took almost a month for my knee to finally heal up that little jerk got me pretty deep there. It really breaks my heart to see my girls in such total fear of this guy. He’s the size of a basketball and my girls won’t go near him.

      I’m finding (or already knew) that my problem is I’m not that quick to make friends. I decide quickly on a person whether or not I’m interested. I wasn’t looking for a friend I was looking for a roof; he was looking for a friend. He pushed it for a while which made it worse for me. The extraness of living with a gross boy just magnifies my misery, really.

      But you are right, the girls love all the long walks and full days away from the house. They are going to adore what’s coming next, too!!! Eeee! So excited!

  4. Cara says:

    2 Pitties being bullied by a douche bag dog? Hmmm, the irony, wouldn’t you agree? *shaking my head* What the hell is wrong with people? Thank God you are getting the eff out of there. It can’t come soon enough! Poor little girls… I don’t like seeing my ladies sad. Time to move to Cali!

    • Napoleon Syndrome makes little bastards of little bastards. I can’t wait to move. We are moving on the 31st and then again on the 27th of next month. It’s a lot but I think both moves are going to be in the best interest of my girls. My plans for moving to Cali are postponed for a bit…but I won’t go into that more until later…

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