How I got here


 Dear Friends and Family,
 Bear with me as I go through this. I try to be open-minded and respectful of people and their feelings. I like to see all sides of a circumstance and understand the perspectives and feelings of those not my own and hold no judgment in their differences. I know we all have a right to our feelings. Right now, though, I am not interested in seeing the other side. Right now, I want to be angry, happy, sad, scared, frustrated, and hopeful. I am not interested in measuring my feelings. I will, I promise, but in the meantime I may (most certainly will) say, think, and feel things that will hurt someone’s feelings and for that I am truly sorry. But right now, I want to feel what I feel and not have to try to be so fucking understanding about it.
<<<<<>>>>>

When I was about 2 years old, my 4-years-old brother and I were put into foster care. About a year later we found an adoptive home, both of us together (insert clapping!!). As we grew up we asked our parents questions about where our mama went and why our daddy died and we got answers. My brother remembered some things but mostly we got answers from our parents who had gotten answers from our foster parents who had gotten answers from our case-worker.  So we grew up knowing that daddy died because he was young and troubled and that mama loved us so very much that after daddy died she knew she couldn’t be the best mama we needed, she was young and troubled too, so she said, “Please take my babies and give them a good and loving home.”

 

We have a good and loving home. We have lots of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents, and cousins. We have really great parents. As much as we have this family, though, things were not always easy. I had a really hard time understanding how someone who loved me could throw me away and call that love. It must have been because I cried too much as a baby. I was probably a bad girl a lot. Maybe my brother and I fought too much until mama said, “That’s it! I can’t take it anymore!!” If I had been better, if I had been worth it, mama would have kept me and daddy would not have taken himself away from us. I was very sad little girl.

 

As I grew older, I had a really hard time understanding how someone who loved me could do this to me. Didn’t she suspect that by casually tossing me aside that I would have feelings about that? Didn’t she think of what it would do to me to go around trying to figure out what I did wrong so that my mother didn’t want me? Why was my dad so selfish? Why wasn’t he thinking about his two young children when he pulled that trigger? What the fuck was wrong with these people? I was very angry teenager.

 

I kept getting older and I battled my way through depression, suicidal thoughts (not actions), and bulimia. Friends around me got married and had children. Now that I was living on my own and participating in the world away from the cocoon of my parents’ home I saw how hard life could be. I was able to empathize with friends dealing with frustrating toddlers in a very real way. I’d lived through depression and knew the selfishness of the disease. I was able to appreciate that my mother had a really rough life and after dad died it was hard to care for two babies. I was able to appreciate that depression, being the beast that it is, was all consuming and dad probably couldn’t see the forest through the trees. I forgave them for letting us go and giving us the opportunity to live a full and happy life. I had come to a fragile place of peace that grew with time.

 

This was how I came to be who I am.

 

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About Anonymous Burn

I'm just a girl who has a blog. But I'm kinda groovy, too.

14 thoughts on “How I got here

  1. I once felt like that to be honest, as if I did something wrong. I knew that my mom kept me for two weeks and then had me adopted…I felt like I did something wrong, that I cried too much? Ate to much? Pooped too much?
    It’s hard to give it a place isn’t it. I’ll be following you.
    Hug!

  2. Thank you so much for sharing. It breaks my heart to think of the young girl I once was and the pain that was mine and knowing there are so many others who must have been in the same place. I’m glad peace came before the reunion and glad at the new peace that comes after it.

  3. pennypup says:

    You know, it wasn’t until I had children of my own that I realized how much you could love another being. I realized I would do anything to make my children happy, I would do anything to make sure they got what they needed, even if it meant giving them up.

    • It shocks me now how thoughtless I always assumed the decision had been. How non-chalantly she must have made it. My perspective was wrapped in my hurt and I know that now. Even had she not wanted me, this decision wouldn’t have been made at the snap of a finger.

  4. Addie says:

    I love the way you speak your feelings, milove. I feel so honored to have been given this opportunity to get a glimpse of the past you. And right now I just want to hold your hand.

    • I love you, Addie. The weirdest thing happened as I began writing this out it was as though I could finally put pen to paper and remove the thoughts and hurts from myself once and for all. The words I held onto that were once my past are now truly in the past. As each phase of *this* unfolded, writing it down became necessary for me to get to eacn next phase. If that makes sense…

      I can feel your hand in mine. Thank you.

  5. TemptingSweets99 says:

    glad to learn about how you came to be you are today. i like your new blog look, too.

    • Thanks, Sweets! I’ve been feeling *pretty* lately and wanted to reflect that. I don’t feel as boxy and cold as I did before. Weird. Thank you for reading my story. I’m glad you liked this…

  6. wildcatnova says:

    My heart hurts for the sad little girl. My soul rages with the angry teenager. I think it’s amazing and wonderful that you came to the place that you’re in today.

  7. veehcirra says:

    I am so happy you have found yourself girl. Your story really touched me, makes me feel like crying but then I remember you have made peace with your past. Thank you for sharing.

    • Thank you, Veeh. Honestly, sometimes even I feel like crying. When I think of that young girl, I still get sad at how young and how hurt she was. But I’m a better person because of it. It’s not about getting through life easily it’s about how we manage, and who we mange with, when it’s incredibly, incredibly hard.

  8. Sofia says:

    As I was reading this my heart got heavy. I am on the side of the coin right now. It’s wonderful to know, to see what a strong and wonderful person you are. 🙂

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