Knock. Knock.


 Dear Friends and Family,
Bear with me as I go through this. I try to be open-minded and respectful of people and their feelings. I like to see all sides of a circumstance and understand the perspectives and feelings of those not my own and hold no judgment in their differences. I know we all have a right to our feelings. Right now, though, I am not interested in seeing the other side. Right now, I want to be angry, happy, sad, scared, frustrated, and hopeful. I am not interested in measuring my feelings. I will, I promise, but in the meantime I may (most certainly will) say, think, and feel things that will hurt someone’s feelings and for that I am truly sorry. But right now, I want to feel what I feel and not have to try to be so fucking understanding about it.
 <<<<< >>>>>

 So this woman, my birth mother, knocked on my virtual door. Actually – a man with my once last name knocked on my virtual door at the same time a woman with my birth mother’s first name and an unfamiliar last name did. The shock was immediate even as I was saying to myself, “Not possible. Not. Fucking. Possible.” But the Gods in all of their Facebooking wisdom said, “Yeah. We just did that.”

 

This should be fine, though, right? I’ve magnanimously forgiven her. I found a peace in understanding that life was hard and she wanted better for my brother and me. I understood she didn’t give us up lightly. It was probably the hardest decision of her life. I knew these things, didn’t I?

 

I came face to face with the reality of what I know and what I know. What I felt was not peace nor was it understanding. This woman became again, maybe still now out of the cover of lies I had been convincing myself that I believed, the woman who gave me away. With her new name I scoured the internet for information.

 

Who was this woman? What has she been doing? Who was she living a life with while forgetting I existed? Did she have the audacity to live a happy one?

 

Then I sat there and did the thing I hate most in this world: I judged her.

 

  • She’s been married for 24 years. So the bitch forget about me, eh? 
  • Ha! Says she’s been looking for her children for years. I bet. If she had tried hard enough, she would have found us. If she wanted to, that is. She should have found us. She is a liar. My mother, the Liar.
  • She has some fucking nerve to be smiling in these pictures. 

And so it went; petty, mean, ugly things.  

 

My mom called, the mom who raised me, to see how I was doing after my brother broke the good news. He was really upset because his apple cart has just been knocked the fuck over and she wanted know what I was feeling. NOTHING. I didn’t feel anything. After my minor annoyance that from first *glance* this wasn’t someone worth knowing, I felt a very big nothing; pure and unadulterated apathy.

 

I had feelings about the apathy, though. Scared; scared that I wasn’t able to feel things that should carry weight. Let’s be honest – I’ve spent a lifetime thinking, wondering, raging, obsessing about this person. Now she’s here and…crickets… What is wrong with me? What does that say about me and my capacity to feel? Oh, god, is it permanent?? Jealous; jealous that I’m sitting here in the nothing and my brother is off over there having feelings. He’s losing sleep about it. He’s confused. Memories once forgotten, now remembered. Angry; angry because I just want to feel something. It can be happy, sad, good, or bad…anything but indifference!!!

 

Then she replied to my confirmation that I was the person that she thought I was, “Thank you for responding.”

REALLY, MOTHER?! REALLY?

 

 

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About Anonymous Burn

I'm just a girl who has a blog. But I'm kinda groovy, too.

19 thoughts on “Knock. Knock.

  1. Anonymous says:

    Feelings are never wrong or right, they are only reactions that you are feeling, they only need to be validated, worked through, so you can move forward. You weren’t the only one scared, frighten, happy, excited….and truthfully, your response wasn’t that over joyed that I contacted you, and I was just thankful that you even responded. I am sorry that I have caused you and your brother pain and confusion. I look forward to continually reading your updates….

    • When I told Caroline what I had written she called me her loveable little porcupine. It hadn’t occurred to me until then that my response wasn’t overly warm. I was at a loss, really. It wasn’t until a few days later that I realized that not only did I not know what to do or say that you probably didn’t either. I forget sometimes that we are all prone to our human emotions of fear and anxiety.

  2. wildcatnova says:

    I think the nothing-feeling is completely normal, every bit as normal as the something-feeling that came after it. I’m really proud of you for feeling what you’re feeling (or not) and being okay with it.

    • I have to be okay with it because pretending it doesn’t exist only keeps me from finding my way through. The nothing was less nothing and more of the same of my “If I can’t feel you, you can’t hurt me.” And that is very normal.

  3. Tom Baker says:

    I really don’t know what to say Megan but all things in life are bearable with time and compassion.

    • Thank you, Tom. I’ve always hoped that the ugly wasn’t as good as it could be for me but it was up to me to get there. I don’t want to measure the ugly I want to give it it’s breathing room so that I can see it, acknowledge it, learn from it, and move forward.

  4. prysmatique says:

    Wow. I feel anger towards her for you 😦 I don’t think I’ll ever understand what possible logic and justification there is behind that decision, but I’m young, unmarried, and have no children, so I don’t expect to understand. But still, how she could go on to marry and live her life…ugh. Yes, I will never understand. I’m so proud of you for writing this out though.

    • Thank you so much! These are my raw emotions and sharing them brings a lot of anxiety but felt so necessary. There has always been a huge part of me to feel “how dare she!!!” How dare she move on, how dare she find happiness, how dare she find love but at some point acknowledged if I had to make the hardest decision of my life and then had to live with that decision for the rest of my life – I would hope that I would be allowed to find some happiness or peace that would help me get through each day. Should her life be forever miserable for that one event? Should we not be allowed to try to make a place without a constant reminder of our pain and hurt? Moving on does not mean forgetting – and that was something I had to learn. It doesn’t have to be one or the other. Our lives are made up of a collection of what was, what is, and what will be.

      • prysmatique says:

        I understand, nobody deserves to live miserably in perpetuity because of their mistakes. But even so, I would not be able to forgive. Move on and accept, maybe. But if she thinks I’m going to be nice to her and start talking to her…nuh uh.

        • This makes me smile because I thought I’d feel the same way…

          • prysmatique says:

            >< I knowww. I can't be certain though, I haven't been in that position you know? But still. You do whatever feels right, and then don't regret it ❤

          • No, no, of course you couldn’t know and I’m not saying you are wrong – I was positive that was exactly how I would feel. Positive until my mother sent me a friend request on Facebook. LOL

          • prysmatique says:

            Ughh did you accept? I don’t know how I would ever look past that. No matter what the reason. If you left and stayed away for so long, you stay the hell away from me forever. It’s less painful that way.

  5. Jana says:

    I could never understand how you feel. In all the years I’ve known you, the thought never crossed my mind you would be “found” by your birth mom. But as our dear friend Kimmy has helped me to understand, your feelings are your feelings, no matter what, and you have to own them and not feel bad about them. As most of the world has never been in this situation , it’s hard to say how others would react. I think you are amazing for how you have handled this.
    Jana Rae

    • Thank you so much, Jana, you know better than most how much of my life this has been. I’m so glad that you are here reading this. Breanne messaged me the other day, too. I wish we could be sitting in St. Polycarp’s kitchen, munching, with my dad, and sharing this together.

  6. Sofia says:

    I can see how strong you are and your insight and reflection is one to be admired. While I will never know what you are going through I can feel what you are going trough (I hope this makes sense) in the way you write.

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