Thank You For Responding


 Dear Friends and Family,
 Bear with me as I go through this. I try to be open-minded and respectful of people and their feelings. I like to see all sides of a circumstance and understand the perspectives and feelings of those not my own and hold no judgment in their differences. I know we all have a right to our feelings. Right now, though, I am not interested in seeing the other side. Right now, I want to be angry, happy, sad, scared, frustrated, and hopeful. I am not interested in measuring my feelings. I will, I promise, but in the meantime I may (most certainly will) say, think, and feel things that will hurt someone’s feelings and for that I am truly sorry. But right now, I want to feel what I feel and not have to try to be so fucking understanding about it.
<<<<<>>>>>

“Thank you for responding.”

 

Er. For realz? That’s it? That’s all we got?

 

Shit, I don’t know what to do here. I don’t know what to say. You found me.

 

“I don’t want to intrude. I am here, if you choose to allow me a part in your life. Know that you are loved. Always.”

 

Whoosh. That was a breath of relief I just exhaled. She is not looking to disturb my life – the disturbance is mine to give should I choose it. Oh. Okay. That I can work with. Slowly an exchange of stats: married, children, location, job. It’s just business.

 

Then the sad, little girl shyly asked the question that’s been burning in her soul, “Mama, the endearment screams in her head and stays there, Did you really think of us?”

 

Only a heartless person would have answered this question wrong. It’s almost a trick question because anything but yes would be too cruel. What I didn’t expect was,  “Every day. I wrote journals to talk to you. I lit candles on your birthdays.”

 

Mama thought of me? Mama missed me? Mama remembered my birthday? Should I believe her? Did she really? I mean, she let me go! But maybe she did, just because she couldn’t be my mama doesn’t mean she stopped caring about me. I won’t say love, I won’t expect that she loved me, it’s okay if she didn’t, but I can think that she cared. Yes. I’m sure she cared about me.

 

“I always wanted you. I have only one regret in my life and that is you and your brother. If I could do it all over, it would be so very different.”

 

“I always wanted you.”

 

She always wanted me.

 

She always wanted me.

 

She always wanted me.

 

She always wanted me.