Yeah, him again.
The goddamned Fudgsicle that wouldn’t go away. It’s like he’s not a fudgsicle at all but the gum on the bottom of my shoe.
I know the whole “fool me once…” bit. I do. So it’s pretty obviously not even his fault that he’s anywhere near my shoe.
After the climbing and the other guy thing, it was radio silent for quite a while. Then the whole Facebook + LongLostMother thing happened. People deserve a chance to right wrongs and change perceptions you have of them, don’t they? He seemed to want to do that, I clearly still had an interest in him as a person, and the choice to put him in or take him out of my life was mine. I sent him a message and told him about the happenings of my life and…well…he surprised me by his genuine happiness and excitement for me. He was, kinda, amazing. I mean, of course he was amazing, I was in love him with him for-damn-near-ever because of what an amazing person I knew him to be.
We’d been chit-chattering back and forth; encouragement about the happenings, jokes about my terrible driving, motivating peptalks to jog daily, occassional mentions that he thought we should hang out some time which I ignored because I’m still hoping for my Matthew.
Maybe it’s that the last box is unpacked; maybe it’s that I’ve been working out and the endorphins are kickin’ in; maybe it’s that I’ve enjoyed all the chit-chattering, so I say “We really should hang out!” His reply, “Yeah?! What are your plans this weekend?” “Nothing really. I’m all unpacked and settled so just hanging out with my girls.” “Great! We should go climbing. Is Saturday or Sunday good for you?” “Either work for me, afternoon is better.” “Sunday is best for me.” “Great! See you then.”
<Enter Inner Monologue> What are you doing, Meg? Why did you contact him? What do you want? Are you looking for friendship? Are you hoping for more? I don’t want to be his climbing friend, I know that much, so what do I want?
But then…seemingly out of nowhere…
“I’ll have to see how my finances look. I just put money into my car so I’ll have to see if I can swing it.” (It = $17 day pass which he knows I can waive for him)
Uhm, we don’t have to go climbing. We could hang out, take the dogs to a park, whatever really.
“Ok. We’ll see.“
Ah, yes. There is it – the dismissal.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me thrice by being a supportive friend during one of the biggest life events to date only to dismiss me as soon as I return the sentiment of hoping to see you again, I need to get my freaking head examined.
PS – In case you were wondering, I know you are…I haven’t heard from him since before the weekend he asked about
PPS – Don’t feel sorry for me. I am an idiot. I am just making myself accountable to someone(s) for my idiotic behavior.