People, People, People: On-line Dating

My screening process is relatively simple:

  • No to the guy whose profile includes a mirror-reflection-you-can-see-the-camera picture. If he doesn’t have any friends who want to hang out with him who can take his picture then I certainly don’t want to hang out with him.
  • No to the guy whose profile includes a picture of his flexed bicep in profile. I guarantee, I don’t like protein shakes enough for him.
  • No to the guy whose profile includes a picture with his shirt off. Hello, line between cocky and conceit, you’ve just been crossed.
  • No to the guy who can’t manage to find a picture without part (or all) of his ex-girlfriend. If he doesn’t know why this is inappropriate he’s too stupid for me.
  • No to the guy over 40 or under 31. I’m too old for bullshit and too young to be a widow.
  • No to the guy with a porno ‘stach. Needs no explanation
  • No to the guy with a large crucifix over his bed. If he has any relationship with God he will be disappointed in my lack thereof.
  • No to the guy who lists his interests as “hittin’ the bars with [his] boys.” I will just disappoint him.
  • No to the guy willing to mention his preferred sexual positions in his “about me” section. Can’t we just be a little mysterious.
  • No to the guy shorter than 5’10” (shut it, Caroline). No other reason than I’m a snob, a 5 foot 4.5 inch snob.
  • No to the guy who loves my dogs because he spent the last decade in a correctional facility. I’m trying to move away from the stereotype thank-you-very-much.

I’m on-line the other day looking through my daily matches, clearing out the messages from guys I’m potentially interested in and guys suffering from one or all the above and up on the screen pops a message:

(insert douchey screen name) wants to chat with you

I click on the box to see what DoucheyScreenname has to say and wait for the chat window to connect properly. He messages that he thinks I’m pretty, likes my profile, thinks I should message him back if I’m interested but also if I’m not interested so he doesn’t waste his time. All of this being perfectly reasonable, I continue to wait for the connection.

Connection Failure

Oh. Hm. Well, I can’t write him back to thank him for his message and also let him know that as he has a porno ‘stach he can move right along. But in the grand scheme of things it’s a small message in a chat window so he will survive the lack of reply.

Boy, was I wrong. Before my computer even had time to tell me the connection failed he wrote again. This time to tell me that he thought I was pretty shitty for not being mature enough to send him a message and let him know that I wasn’t interested. I’m just another stuck up broad and it is “sooooooo rude” to ignore him.

Connection (still) Failure


Connect already, computer!! I was frantic to reply to this guy.


Now that does it, Asshole…I found his profile and sent him a private message.

Dear Tragic and Desperate,

On the off-chance that I were interested in entertaining you as a potential match your persistent douchebaggery made me reconsider. I can not apologize that the delay in contacting you was related to my computer failing to properly connect as it saved me the trouble of rejecting you by doing it for me.

I am contacting you now to let you know that I am concerned about your quest for a love-match. It is obvious that you do not know how to speak to a lady in whom you are interested and I worry that you may attract the wrong type of woman with this approach. I do not think you should communicate with human beings until such time as you learn how to be one yourself. Best of luck.

Very truly yours, Toilet

I worry about that guy and his chances of finding love. But later he apologized for calling me a toilet, he’s bipolar and was having a mood swing. He really thought I was great for getting in touch even if I wasn’t interested and he was heading off to watch porn and cry because I thought he was repulsive. So, I think he’s going to make it.