People, People, People: On-line Dating

My screening process is relatively simple:

  • No to the guy whose profile includes a mirror-reflection-you-can-see-the-camera picture. If he doesn’t have any friends who want to hang out with him who can take his picture then I certainly don’t want to hang out with him.
  • No to the guy whose profile includes a picture of his flexed bicep in profile. I guarantee, I don’t like protein shakes enough for him.
  • No to the guy whose profile includes a picture with his shirt off. Hello, line between cocky and conceit, you’ve just been crossed.
  • No to the guy who can’t manage to find a picture without part (or all) of his ex-girlfriend. If he doesn’t know why this is inappropriate he’s too stupid for me.
  • No to the guy over 40 or under 31. I’m too old for bullshit and too young to be a widow.
  • No to the guy with a porno ‘stach. Needs no explanation
  • No to the guy with a large crucifix over his bed. If he has any relationship with God he will be disappointed in my lack thereof.
  • No to the guy who lists his interests as “hittin’ the bars with [his] boys.” I will just disappoint him.
  • No to the guy willing to mention his preferred sexual positions in his “about me” section. Can’t we just be a little mysterious.
  • No to the guy shorter than 5’10” (shut it, Caroline). No other reason than I’m a snob, a 5 foot 4.5 inch snob.
  • No to the guy who loves my dogs because he spent the last decade in a correctional facility. I’m trying to move away from the stereotype thank-you-very-much.

I’m on-line the other day looking through my daily matches, clearing out the messages from guys I’m potentially interested in and guys suffering from one or all the above and up on the screen pops a message:

(insert douchey screen name) wants to chat with you

I click on the box to see what DoucheyScreenname has to say and wait for the chat window to connect properly. He messages that he thinks I’m pretty, likes my profile, thinks I should message him back if I’m interested but also if I’m not interested so he doesn’t waste his time. All of this being perfectly reasonable, I continue to wait for the connection.

Connection Failure

Oh. Hm. Well, I can’t write him back to thank him for his message and also let him know that as he has a porno ‘stach he can move right along. But in the grand scheme of things it’s a small message in a chat window so he will survive the lack of reply.

Boy, was I wrong. Before my computer even had time to tell me the connection failed he wrote again. This time to tell me that he thought I was pretty shitty for not being mature enough to send him a message and let him know that I wasn’t interested. I’m just another stuck up broad and it is “sooooooo rude” to ignore him.

Connection (still) Failure


Connect already, computer!! I was frantic to reply to this guy.


Now that does it, Asshole…I found his profile and sent him a private message.

Dear Tragic and Desperate,

On the off-chance that I were interested in entertaining you as a potential match your persistent douchebaggery made me reconsider. I can not apologize that the delay in contacting you was related to my computer failing to properly connect as it saved me the trouble of rejecting you by doing it for me.

I am contacting you now to let you know that I am concerned about your quest for a love-match. It is obvious that you do not know how to speak to a lady in whom you are interested and I worry that you may attract the wrong type of woman with this approach. I do not think you should communicate with human beings until such time as you learn how to be one yourself. Best of luck.

Very truly yours, Toilet

I worry about that guy and his chances of finding love. But later he apologized for calling me a toilet, he’s bipolar and was having a mood swing. He really thought I was great for getting in touch even if I wasn’t interested and he was heading off to watch porn and cry because I thought he was repulsive. So, I think he’s going to make it.

Bonnie Raitt Taught Me Everything I Need to Know About Love

I may have mentioned a time or two before that my father took me to see the New Kids on the Block for my birthday when I was in the 4th grade. It was the coolest thing ever. I wore my lavender sweatshirt that had each of the boys faces in a metallic screen print across the front. I can’t imagine that I looked anything less than cool.

Sometime shortly thereafter my musically inclined father took matters into his own hands and started introducing me to real music by real musicians. By the 6th grade, Bonnie Raitt had taught me everything I would need to know about falling in love, being in love, and knowing when to let it go.

I had a date Friday night with a guy I’d been chatting with for a few days. I was really looking forward to the date and nervous as hell. By all conversations, I knew him to be funny, quick-witted, down to earth, active, and a dog-lover. I knew on some level we’d have a nice time regardless and we did…

…but sparks??


Old Megan would push through, try again, fit a square peg into a round hole. I would let myself feel guilty for not being able to drum up excitement about this really nice guy. I’d feel mean and shallow and force myself to continue to go out with a guy I did not like. 

*I dated the Black-hole of Happiness for 2 years doing this before*
*It was a TERRIBLE decision*

But not this time. Nosirreebob. As my Bonnie taught me:

You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.

I could try again, go on a second date, and see if something could grow. But I’ve met people before where the connection has been immediate and electric. I owe it to myself to be free to find that. I owe it to Friday-night-guy to let him find it, too.

So really, I’m doing everyone a favor here…DAMN! I’m selfless…

Bonnie Raitt also taught me that in order for my father to sit through a concert of NKOTB with me when *this* existed – meant his love for me was absolute!