Finally breathing


Holy cow, folks! For anyone who even bothered coming back and forth to check-in and see all of the nothing I’ve written, I thank you.

Things have been crazy the past few months. There has been anger and frustration (yes, it’s really taken this long) and a lot of trying to catch my breath going on.

For starters…last July I parted ways with my very real, very serious, very “scientific” job as a Senior Product Development Scientist. The reason? I wasn’t happy. Which seemed reason enough for me.

My plan going forward is a work in progress. In July the plan was: (1) become a nanny to my best friend’s son; (2) apply to (and get in) graduate school for Animal Behavior. This is where things got stalled for me. My best friend, through no fault of her own, didn’t require a nanny until recently and the GRE gods were laughing at me (and my graduate school applications) so I have to retest and reapply…and possibly retest and reapply and so on and so forth (but DAMNIT! I’m getting in!).

In the meantime, I have been coaching again at the local rock climbing gym. I was also offered the opportunity to get more experience handling dogs with the Analaigh’s behaviorist by volunteering with his foundation obedience classes. I have been doing this for about 7 months and last week he asked if I would be interested in running (under his guidance, of course) an obedience class designed to build onto the foundation class in preparation for the intermediate agility classes offered to more mature dogs.

Last month I started a second part-time job for some extra cash because…well, I like eating and driving and I hate having to choose between the two (I kid, I kid…I don’t make a habit of making bad financial decisions – – – well, not since that one guy a million years ago but stop judging me for that already!).

Last week, I (finally) started as Aidan’s full-time nanny about which, I will share more later through his (mom’s) blog.

PHEW!!

This evening after Aidan’s dad picked him up as I took my girls out to run, play, and train while a light sprinkling of snow fell around me I took a deep breath and knew that I am exactly where I want to be right now.

...now about studyin' for those GREs....again....

…now about studyin’ for those GREs….again….

People, People, People: Who Don’t Take A Hint


I need to come clean.

I am NOT the friendliest person in the world.

Not even in the top 5%

It is okay.

~ Y’ain’t gonna like e’rybody and e’rybody ain’t gonna like you ~

When I don’t like a person I play it real simple:

We don’t talk…

EVER

Why would we? I don’t like you?!!?

See? Simple!!! 

Uhm…

So when I’m doing my thang of not liking you ergo not talking to you…

I need you to respect the chasm I’m trying to create here.

No, no, shhhh…

No need to build bridges.

Don’t cross that great divide.

Shed a single tear and go to a better place.

A place (preferably) where I’m not.

A place where you will find people who want to talk to you.  

I. Met. Someone.


 

BREATHE

You may remember I got my heart broken.

You may then remember there was a guy, The Voice. He was there and I was there and we weren’t looking for a “thing” but we wanted some companionship but only when it suited and emotions never suited so it was business, strictly business…er, not in a money exchanged hands way, though. But that was fine. That was all I wanted because relationships = bad and labels = bad and marriage = stupid and all those things I thought I wanted, once upon a time, were silly.

Then you may remember the psychic and the dark object and my revelation that I was getting in my own way.

So then, remember, I got that message from the heart breaker and we met and it was nice.

Okay…now that we are all caught up…

Let’s go back to how nice it was to be apologized to for wrongs done. At the time, I didn’t know how nice or what it would all mean but that’s the way of it…things happen as they will when they will and we see the lesson when we are ready because that is how life works…

The apology crept inside to the bitter, fractured pieces of my heart that I allowed to ooze poison and it drew out the venom, I knew I’d been keeping myself from being open. Not only do I NOT think that relationships are bad, labels are bad, and marriage is stupid…they are the only things that I think this life is worth living for. They are the only things that I have ever thought this life was worth living for. Judge me how you will for thinking love is the thing we should all strive for but it is the truth. At the very least, it is my truth.

Don’t get me wrong, I am a strong, independent woman. I can, and have for a very long time, take(n) care for myself. But without someone to share life with, it just all seems so sad and hopeless.

Sad and hopeless have been done. I am ready to move on.

I looked around and took stock and realized, I had the dreaded feelings for The Voice but that was simply not going to do. In the words of Barney Beagle:

“He is not my boy. Anyone can see that!”

… … …

Caroline, let’s get dressed up and go out! I’m ready to meet people!

So, er, where do people go?

We realized that we didn’t know where to go because we are not people, we are homebodies. I don’t do clubs, I do rock gyms and dog parks and I certainly don’t need to look cute to go there.

Because I am one damn sexy climber

While nibbling on a delectable homemade pizza a few Thursdays ago the night found us…er, Caroline…creating a profile on Match.com.

No comments from the peanut gallery on the extra half-inch I claimed (Mary Jo, shut it!)

BREATHE!

There, I said it. I went to Match.com and I begged the internet Gods to go forth and find me a man who met my qualifications (tall, athletic, intelligent, loves dogs). I’ve got all the time in the world to peruse and pick and choose and find someone who works for me. Why not? I’ve spent all this time doing it wrong anyway…

The next day at noon I got an e-mail from Matt.

That Sunday we met for lunch at 2pm at a local diner. We talked and smiled and laughed so hard we cried and at 7:30 we asked the waitress for dinner menus.

…swoon…

I met someone. A pretty great someone.

And if he turns out to not be the someone for me then I will be glad for my 6-month membership and my openness to finding my match.

A Rational Approach


I was told by a psychic that a dark object crossed my aura twisting my life force and turning my luck bad. I am still coming to terms with what, if anything, I believe about the powers of a person I do not know to look into the cards and learn of me there but I am here living my life and I haven’t felt all that *lucky* so I am inclined to believe that there is something to this prophecy? vision?

The thing is that I don’t believe in luck. What I believe in is that hard work and good intentions will prevail. Humans are fallible and so it’s not a hard fast rule. Sometimes hard work and good intentions go overlooked and sometimes the bad guys get a win but in general…we make our own luck by working hard, getting up when we are knocked down, keeping hate from our hearts, and being honest.

I believe there is something, I just don’t believe it is luck.

This psychic also believes that this dark object was put there by someone else. From what she said, she seems to suggest there was a person in my past who did not wish for my future happiness and they placed this dark object in my path.

The thing is that I don’t believe any person has any effect over my life but me. When people treat me poorly it is because I allow them to treat me poorly. When my life is full of good people with good intentions it is because I have disallowed the nay-sayers and the negativity bringers into my circle. If I am in yet another bad relationship with an incompatible partner it is because I ignore the signs, dig my head in the sand, and choose to stay.

I believe there is something. It is not luck. It is not the fault of anyone else.

Dale has told me that often products of adoption, such as me, find it difficult to stand up and ask for what they need. Family structures are not permanent to them. People are not permanent to them. We live in constant fear of that abandonment or replacement and we learn early to shelve our needs and begin to anticipate the needs of those around us. We learn not to be demanding. We learn to be accommodating. We learn to be whatever is needed without regard to what it is that we need.

This, too, is not a hard and fast rule. Every one, every circumstance, every situation is different. This rule does, however, apply here.

Dale has told me that I am ambivalent. When I want a thing, I mask my desire with a nonchalant shrug and a “Whatever.” I engage in relationships with men who are also ambivalent and won’t even look in the direction of the man standing still looking in my direction.  I thought I was protecting myself from disappointment, the sting isn’t as sharp when I have no expectation of having it while saving face by being able to admit that I tried.

That something that is not luck and is not the doing of anyone else…is me.

I am my own dark object.

Community Network Meme 2011


As I mentioned eariler in the week, I would be participating in the Community Network Meme 2011. Here are the questions and my answers. Enjoy. Or don’t. I don’t want to tell you what to do…

2011 Meme Questions

1. As a blogger, what do you draw inspirations from for your posts? 
I draw inspiration from my life. The categories in which I group my posts are the aspects of my life which I find the most inspiring: my life in general, my life as a rock climber, the food I eat, the people I meet, my children which are also my pit-bull puppies who are often feared because of the shape of their heads, the music that creeps into my soul and helps me get through the days, hours, or minutes as needed.

2. If you could swap blogs with another blogger for a post, who would you switch with and why?
Addie’s life moments because she is able to convey so much with a picture and a single sentence. Sometimes I mean well and I intend to post something short and sweet but…gah…I’m so verbose. Also, my life’s simple pleasure is easy:

Falling asleep wrapped in love and waking up to puppy breath

Also, I’d love to have her write here. She’s really great at telling a story.

3. If your blog had a theme song, what would it be? Why?

…I believe this to be self-explanatory…

4. What is your writing process for a post?
An idea creeps into my head and then thoughts pop in while I’m at work, driving, walking the dogs, etc. When I get home I do my best to make some sense of it all. Usually I write a stream of consciousness and see what’s staring back at me on the screen. Then I begin to cut, copy, move, and paste things and turn it into something readable. Then I post it and read my post, make more edits because I can’t believe I didn’t catch that error. Update. Reread. Stupid, more errors. More updating. More rereading and then I  force myself to stop and go to sleep. In case you didn’t notice I am comma-happy. That was a critique in a writing course I took in highschool, the last one I ever had to take. I’m aware of my disease and there is no cure but if something seems under-comma’d it’s just me overcompensating.

5. Your blog requires a cute, new, mascot – what would it be?
I hate to brag, actually, that’s not true I don’t have any problem with it…my dogs are the cutest dogs ever.

6. Do you feel you express your “true self” on your blog?
Absolutely. Better than I can in real life. I started my blog because I wanted my family to have a better idea of who I am and what I do with myself on a regular basis because I can say here what I can’t say when I’m home visiting. I’ve always been a “keep people at arms length” kind of person. It’s not personal it’s just me. I know it but I feel powerless to change it, this was a way for me to make strides in a direction that was comfortable for me and at least say, “Hey, I’m trying.” If I don’t try then I forfeit the right to be upset when people don’t see me as I want to be seen.

7. What is your biggest online pet-peeve?
This mimics my biggest in-life pet-peeve…reporting on the goings on of celebrities. Like, really!?! Did Justin Beiber fuh-realz get his hair cut? OMG, how could he? And I just can’t believe that Kourtney and Scott are having another baby. I mean, their relationship is rocky at best. I already worry about little Mason, truly, I do.

8. If you could live in a fictional universe, where would you live? Why?
I’ve been reading romances since I was 12. Seriously, I read Jane Eyre when I was in the 5th grade. Mansfield Park, Pride and Prejudice, Emma. Then in college I needed fluff so my stories were Fabio-covered. But why wouldn’t I live in a world where the man you love, loves you like crazy right back. There is always a struggle and they almost always doubt each other only to find the true meaning of being in it together. It’s just…beautiful.

9. You’re having a bad day, you’re upset, you’re angry, or you’re sad – what is your go-to comfort?
Music. Music is like anti-venom to me. It creeps into my soul, roots out the poison, and draws it away.

10. What is your favorite inspirational quote?
Who you are is nothing more than the choice you make in the next moment.

11. If they were to make a movie based on your life, who would play you, your leading lady/man, your best friend, and your rival?
They’ve already made my life movie. It’s called Good Luck Chuck and I was played by Dane Cook. However, Katie Holmes would be a good me. She did pretty well playing my life in Dawson’s Creek. I ain’t got no leading man so any male backside would do as it walked away provided he was at least 6 feet tall (I’m a heightest, turns out). Judy Greer would be my best friend. I like snarky. I don’t have a rival. I did away with people who don’t add positively to my life a few years ago.

12. Do you think the world is going to end in 2012?
I do not. According to Neil deGrasse Tyson the alignment of the earth, sun, and moon which is the cause of this cluster of a doomsday prediction, happens every year on December 21st. He would know. I believe him. Additionally, thinking the world will end because the calendar of a civilization that is EXTINCT is ending, well, now you’re just stupid.

13. If you could change anything about yourself, what would it be?
Apparently I have a dark object twisting my life force keeping me from being lucky in love and life. Could certainly do with less of that.

14. What is your favorite season and why?
I love the summer. I love that the days are longer so there’s lots of time to spend with my girls after work. It’s often humid here around the Philadelphia area and I’ve always enjoyed the humidity. It’s like a big hug. A big, sweaty, postcoital hug.

15. You’ve been bitten by a vampire. Would you fight it with all your undead being or would you embrace it for all it is worth?
I have NOT been bitten by a vampire which is my life’s biggest failure to date. If a vampire were to want to make me his forever and always I would sign on the dotted neck. Dracula 2000 was a disgusting show of non-vampire loyalty. It was Gerard Butler, you ninny. Don’t get me wrong, Johnny Lee Miller is adorable but he is just not an appropriate substitute to Dracula. Thank you, I’ve been harboring that for years and needing to get that off my chest. Bella Swan, you go girl! Do it and do it early.

16. Have you personally met any of your blogger friends?
Yep, a few of them are friends of mine. The Voice writes Marz Daily Media which I think is fantastic so check it out!! Caroline, my snarky best friend, is the owner of Amor Meae Vitae. A climber friend of mine, Adam, off galavanting the world keeps Jaywalk the World. All of these blogs can be found over there —>

17. What does your favorite pair of underwear look like?
My favorite pair of undies is a very real nude shade (as in my skin) and virtually (completely) undetectable. Climbing with a wedgie is really not cool and shoving your hand down your pants while wearing a harness is just awkward.

18. Have you ever drank something right from the container in the refrigerator knowing other people will have to drink out of the same container later?
No but not because I’m not disgusting. I am. I just haven’t had the opportunity.

19. What is your favorite word and explain why?
Bizarre. I love that it has a z in it. I wish there were more like bizzzarre or something. Also, I never know how to spell it so it’s a challenge. I always want to double the z and single the r but that just looks bizzare.

20. 2011 is soon coming to a close, is there anything you’d like to do different on your blog in the year 2012?
I just started blogging in July 2011 so I’m hoping to figure a bit more about how to navigate through WordPress. I like reading other people’s blogs but I don’t really know how to go about doing it. Just figuring it all out. But my blog will probably grow and shift as I do. I hope it is in a way that my readers enjoy but if it’s not that’s fine, too.

2011 Community Network Meme Participation List

2tha9s

 Kay At The Keyboard, Blog owner Kay

WordsFallFromMyEyes

Courage To Change

Jackie Paulson~Writer

I Shall Be A Toad

Finding The Humor

Over A Cup Of Coffee

Morpho Designs

Broken Sparkles

Curiosity Killed The KAT

Walking The Labyrinth

Life Of Carbon

ConchSaladesque

Blue Jellybeans

Disjointed Rhymings

TheRealSharon’s Blog

How Can I Complain?

Morning Erection

Betwixt And Between

Insignificant At Best