People, People, People: Family

I guess I’ll start this by using one of your lines, which I believe is something along the lines of I’m sorry if this hurts your feelings but this is how I feel.
We’re friends on Facebook so I know you see my status’ about getting my move-in date, buying furniture, being scared and nervous, and yet you haven’t said anything to me about it. You never ask about the twins. Being named god mother should have been an honor. I honestly don’t feel you deserve that title now. We haven’t mattered to you in a long time. You post these blogs and say you never fit in with your family, well that’s because you’re selfish and selfish doesn’t work in a family of eight. Families celebrate birthdays, holidays, birth of a baby..any kind of special is suppose to be there. Where are you?  You skipped out on Christmas this year, nothing for the kids. You also have made no effort in seeing your new nephew. So what your sister-in-law isn’t one of your favorite people. She’s part of the family. Your brother is your brother. Your nephew is your nephew. You can comment on the picture of his dog but not any of the pictures of his son. Just another nephew that you wont know.
I don’t know, Megan, I think I’m ready to be done. I’ve been annoyed with you for some time for not coming to family events, not acknowledging my birthday, but the fact that your now doing it to my kids is not ok with me and something had to be said. Let me down all you want, but now you have let my kids down and that is not ok with me. In case you forgot, you are a sister/aunt/godmother. I don’t think you are doing a good job at any of those titles. You have excuses until you’re blue in the face  but no excuse is going to make up for this. You seem to be so caught up in your “oh so busy” life to stop and acknowledge any of us on special occasions, expect the same in return from now on. You don’t want to celebrate birthdays, holidays with us then don’t. But let’s get on the same level of understanding so we know not to expect shit from each other. I don’t want the fakeness either. Sorry it had to come to this but like I said in the beginning, I needed to tell you how I feel. You can respond if you want, don’t feel that you need to. Just really wanted to express how I felt and to let you know that I’m pretty much done.

I received an e-mail from one of my sisters this week. It really upset me. She’s right, I totally goofed up. I missed my niece and nephew’s 5th birthday. I’ve been worse and worse about remembering to call or put a card in the mail for birthdays. Really, I’m terrible at it. I owe them an apology for my thoughtlessness.

It also really upset me in its continuation of a pattern of conversation I’ve had with certain people over the past 8 years since I moved 2 hours away from my childhood home: (1) that I am not entitled to a busy life because I do not have any real reason to be oh-so-busy (I am childless and single); (2) that I am responsible for checking in.

No, I do not call often. No, I do not check in often. No, I do not visit often. No, I do not ignore in-coming phone calls from her. No, I do not tell her I’m too busy for her to visit when she offers. No, she doesn’t offer. No, I’m not upset about it. I respect that while I’m here doing my life she and I probably didn’t touch base today because she’s busy doing her life. She’s my sister, I know we’ll catch up.

I am continually frustrated for being accused of not making an effort. As though if I don’t, no one will because when I don’t no one has. I could do better, we all could. This is not my sole cross to bear. I am not a pusher. People and their lives and choices are sensitive topics and I make it a general practice of letting people tell me what they want to tell me when they want to tell me exactly how much they want to tell me. I AM ALWAYS HERE. If you want a better  relationship, then let’s both work on it, shall we?

(For the record, mentioning Facebook in the course of a disagreement immediately weakens your argument)
As a point of clarification, *this* is not my response to her but I can share her assessment of me, in many ways she is right…

More Than Just Enough

All I ever wanted
Was a love to be true
More than just enough to get me by
I want a love to see me through
I don’t need another well spent night
Another clever, sideways glance
I wanna look my baby in the eye
And know there’s nothin’ left to chance
So if you’re tired of bein’ lonely
Beat up and confused
Darlin’ there is only
One thing you can do
Come to me
I’ll be the one who’s waiting
Come to me
I got what you need
Come to me
Won’t be no hesitating
I know what you mean to me
I’m gonna hold out for the one I want
Ain’t gonna settle for less
Cause the kind of love I’m lookin’ for, baby
You can’t fake, you can’t finesse
I ain’t lookin’ for the kind of man, baby
Can’t stand a little shaky ground
He’ll give me fire and tenderness
And got the guts to stick around
So if you’re tired of bein’ lonely
Beat up and confused
Darlin’ there is only
One thing you can do
Come to me
I’ll be the one who’s waiting
Come to me
I got what you need
Come to me
Won’t be no hesitating
I know what you mean to me
~Bonnie Raitt (Come To Me)

I was 11 years old when I heard this song. I was 11 years old when I knew I needed/wanted/shouldn’t settle for less than a man who looked at me with love in his eyes who could stand the ups and downs of life (both mine and his). I was 11 years old when I knew the kind of love I was looking for could not be faked and would not just get by but would be enough to get through. I was 11 years old when I knew these things but didn’t have a clue what they meant.

In the last 20 years these words have been running through my head and I’ve been clearer on their meanings with every attempt to find myself, be in connection with the world around me, and become ready for the partner I ultimately hope to find. “Find” is a tragic word – I hate to say I am looking – I know these things happen when least we look and expect them to. Regardless, their meanings are clearer to me.

This weekend my dad and I went to see this woman who shaped my life at a young age.

…for the full effect a bathroom is needed for duck lips…

It was amazing. She was amazing. Had I any doubt about my life and the choices I’ve made in my life from relationship to self-awareness to career, they were put to rest watching this amazing, fierce, sexy, strong, talented woman walk on stage and share herself with the room full of adoring fans. I am proud to say I have not settled in my life and when I noticed I was in a rutted pattern I’ve had the guts to do something about it. I owe a great deal of my strength to this woman.

Dad and I pinched and poked each other like schoolgirls when Bonnie took the stage…then I cried…

And to the man who gave her to me.

Happy Father’s Day to the man who’s been there through the ups and downs of life (both mine and his)

People, People, People: On-line Dating

My screening process is relatively simple:

  • No to the guy whose profile includes a mirror-reflection-you-can-see-the-camera picture. If he doesn’t have any friends who want to hang out with him who can take his picture then I certainly don’t want to hang out with him.
  • No to the guy whose profile includes a picture of his flexed bicep in profile. I guarantee, I don’t like protein shakes enough for him.
  • No to the guy whose profile includes a picture with his shirt off. Hello, line between cocky and conceit, you’ve just been crossed.
  • No to the guy who can’t manage to find a picture without part (or all) of his ex-girlfriend. If he doesn’t know why this is inappropriate he’s too stupid for me.
  • No to the guy over 40 or under 31. I’m too old for bullshit and too young to be a widow.
  • No to the guy with a porno ‘stach. Needs no explanation
  • No to the guy with a large crucifix over his bed. If he has any relationship with God he will be disappointed in my lack thereof.
  • No to the guy who lists his interests as “hittin’ the bars with [his] boys.” I will just disappoint him.
  • No to the guy willing to mention his preferred sexual positions in his “about me” section. Can’t we just be a little mysterious.
  • No to the guy shorter than 5’10” (shut it, Caroline). No other reason than I’m a snob, a 5 foot 4.5 inch snob.
  • No to the guy who loves my dogs because he spent the last decade in a correctional facility. I’m trying to move away from the stereotype thank-you-very-much.

I’m on-line the other day looking through my daily matches, clearing out the messages from guys I’m potentially interested in and guys suffering from one or all the above and up on the screen pops a message:

(insert douchey screen name) wants to chat with you

I click on the box to see what DoucheyScreenname has to say and wait for the chat window to connect properly. He messages that he thinks I’m pretty, likes my profile, thinks I should message him back if I’m interested but also if I’m not interested so he doesn’t waste his time. All of this being perfectly reasonable, I continue to wait for the connection.

Connection Failure

Oh. Hm. Well, I can’t write him back to thank him for his message and also let him know that as he has a porno ‘stach he can move right along. But in the grand scheme of things it’s a small message in a chat window so he will survive the lack of reply.

Boy, was I wrong. Before my computer even had time to tell me the connection failed he wrote again. This time to tell me that he thought I was pretty shitty for not being mature enough to send him a message and let him know that I wasn’t interested. I’m just another stuck up broad and it is “sooooooo rude” to ignore him.

Connection (still) Failure


Connect already, computer!! I was frantic to reply to this guy.


Now that does it, Asshole…I found his profile and sent him a private message.

Dear Tragic and Desperate,

On the off-chance that I were interested in entertaining you as a potential match your persistent douchebaggery made me reconsider. I can not apologize that the delay in contacting you was related to my computer failing to properly connect as it saved me the trouble of rejecting you by doing it for me.

I am contacting you now to let you know that I am concerned about your quest for a love-match. It is obvious that you do not know how to speak to a lady in whom you are interested and I worry that you may attract the wrong type of woman with this approach. I do not think you should communicate with human beings until such time as you learn how to be one yourself. Best of luck.

Very truly yours, Toilet

I worry about that guy and his chances of finding love. But later he apologized for calling me a toilet, he’s bipolar and was having a mood swing. He really thought I was great for getting in touch even if I wasn’t interested and he was heading off to watch porn and cry because I thought he was repulsive. So, I think he’s going to make it.

Bonnie Raitt Taught Me Everything I Need to Know About Love

I may have mentioned a time or two before that my father took me to see the New Kids on the Block for my birthday when I was in the 4th grade. It was the coolest thing ever. I wore my lavender sweatshirt that had each of the boys faces in a metallic screen print across the front. I can’t imagine that I looked anything less than cool.

Sometime shortly thereafter my musically inclined father took matters into his own hands and started introducing me to real music by real musicians. By the 6th grade, Bonnie Raitt had taught me everything I would need to know about falling in love, being in love, and knowing when to let it go.

I had a date Friday night with a guy I’d been chatting with for a few days. I was really looking forward to the date and nervous as hell. By all conversations, I knew him to be funny, quick-witted, down to earth, active, and a dog-lover. I knew on some level we’d have a nice time regardless and we did…

…but sparks??


Old Megan would push through, try again, fit a square peg into a round hole. I would let myself feel guilty for not being able to drum up excitement about this really nice guy. I’d feel mean and shallow and force myself to continue to go out with a guy I did not like. 

*I dated the Black-hole of Happiness for 2 years doing this before*
*It was a TERRIBLE decision*

But not this time. Nosirreebob. As my Bonnie taught me:

You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t.

I could try again, go on a second date, and see if something could grow. But I’ve met people before where the connection has been immediate and electric. I owe it to myself to be free to find that. I owe it to Friday-night-guy to let him find it, too.

So really, I’m doing everyone a favor here…DAMN! I’m selfless…

Bonnie Raitt also taught me that in order for my father to sit through a concert of NKOTB with me when *this* existed – meant his love for me was absolute!

How Do I?

My climbing partner has done it again…he has *abandoned* me again for 6 weeks while he’s off to somewhere exciting to do math. He did this to me last year, too. Last year I survived by not climbing or (cringe) bouldering (cringe). Not this year, not this stinking year. It’s the eve of climbing Friday and I wonder how I’ve done this before. How do I take my life, tie it to a rope, and hand that rope to someone new and untried.

It starts with trust. You. Must. Trust.

So it does, Self, so it does.

First, I trust myself. I trust my ability and my judgement.

Next, I trust my partner. A little at a time; first where I know I can succeed then where I think I can succeed.

Finally, I trust even where I am sure I will fail and hope and pray my trust in me and my trust in him is enough to see me through.

Leading at the Gunks

I’ve done it again…I’ve decided it’s time to put myself out there, see what the world has to offer me, and soothe my lonely heart. It’s the eve of a new date with a new stranger and I wonder how I’ve done this before. How do I take my heart, put it on my sleeve, and share it with someone new and untried.

It starts with trust. You. Must. Trust.

So it does, Self, so it does.

First, I trust myself.

Next, I trust my partner.

Finally, I hope and pray my trust in me and my trust in him is enough to see us through.

photo by Emily Varisco

People, People, People: The Fudgsicle

Yeah, him again.

The goddamned Fudgsicle that wouldn’t go away. It’s like he’s not a fudgsicle at all but the gum on the bottom of my shoe.

I know the whole “fool me once…” bit. I do. So it’s pretty obviously not even his fault that he’s anywhere near my shoe.

After the climbing and the other guy thing, it was radio silent for quite a while. Then the whole Facebook + LongLostMother thing happened. People deserve a chance to right wrongs and change perceptions you have of them, don’t they? He seemed to want to do that, I clearly still had an interest in him as a person, and the choice to put him in or take him out of my life was mine. I sent him a message and told him about the happenings of my life and…well…he surprised me by his genuine happiness and excitement for me. He was, kinda, amazing. I mean, of course he was amazing, I was in love him with him for-damn-near-ever because of what an amazing person I knew him to be.

We’d been chit-chattering back and forth; encouragement about the happenings, jokes about my terrible driving, motivating peptalks to jog daily, occassional mentions that he thought we should hang out some time which I ignored because I’m still hoping for my Matthew.

Maybe it’s that the last box is unpacked; maybe it’s that I’ve been working out and the endorphins are kickin’ in; maybe it’s that I’ve enjoyed all the chit-chattering, so I say “We really should hang out!” His reply, “Yeah?! What are your plans this weekend?” “Nothing really. I’m all unpacked and settled so just hanging out with my girls.” “Great! We should go climbing. Is Saturday or Sunday good for you?” “Either work for me, afternoon is better.” “Sunday is best for me.” “Great! See you then.”

<Enter Inner Monologue> What are you doing, Meg? Why did you contact him? What do you want? Are you looking for friendship? Are you hoping for more? I don’t want to be his climbing friend, I know that much, so what do I want?

But then…seemingly out of nowhere…

I’ll have to see how my finances look. I just put money into my car so I’ll have to see if I can swing it.” (It = $17 day pass which he knows I can waive for him)

Uhm, we don’t have to go climbing. We could hang out, take the dogs to a park, whatever really.

Ok. We’ll see.

Ah, yes. There is it – the dismissal.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

Fool me thrice by being a supportive friend during one of the biggest life events to date only to dismiss me as soon as I return the sentiment of hoping to see you again, I need to get my freaking head examined.

PS – In case you were wondering, I know you are…I haven’t heard from him since before the weekend he asked about

PPS – Don’t feel sorry for me. I am an idiot. I am just making myself accountable to someone(s) for my idiotic behavior.

When believing otherwise is foolish

I have been chewing on this question the past few days.

Today I was walking the girls and breathing in the crisp, cool air;

sad and confused about the silence of this week and trying not to compare it to the silence of another time.

I was asked very adamantly to separate times past from times present and to not hold one accountable for the failings of another.

So I sucked in another deep breath of crisp, cool air and jumped about shaking hands and head while yelling,


I scared the girls.

To distract myself further I let my thoughts wander to my upcoming climbing date and it came to me:

Naiveté is believing in the outcome of something that you have no right to believe will occur. The benefit of the doubt is believing in the outcome of something that you have no right to believe will not occur.

During a good season when I am training hard and my mental focus is razor-sharp and my physical ability is being pushed to its max I am a 5.11 climber.

((To be clear, 5.11 on lead. I can TR 5.12 but TR is just practice)) 

It would be naive of me to rope up and expect a successful conclusion on a 5.14…

…but if I was feeling particularly sassy, properly energized and focussed turning my sights to a 5.12 would be giving myself the benefit of the doubt.

I have no reason to believe I can climb a 5.14 today. I don’t have the physical strength, endurance, or mental acuity that would be required. It won’t always be this way, but it is today. Believing otherwise would be foolish.

 I can top-rope 5.12. I have the physical strength and endurance necessary to send on the safe end of a rope just not the mental strength to do it on the sharp end. It won’t always be this way and today might very well be that day. I have no reason to believe that I would not succeed if today was the day I wished to try. Believing otherwise would be misplaced self-doubt.


Of course, as it turns out, more understanding of this shade of gray does not help me out of my quandary.

They say I was naive to believe a man meant what he said when he said that he loved me but he could not be with me.

Do I give a man the benefit of my doubt when he tells me not to question his interest while painful recovery keeps him from getting to know me in the way we should during the infancy of our acquaintance?

As I sit here, I wonder how foolish I look 

Note: My perspective around top-rope climbing versus lead climbing and the ratings of what I can and can not do are my own thoughts which extend no further than the standard to which I hold myself. I do not measure myself against others or others against me, not as a climber. Climbing is a beautiful, personal place where we each face our own demons in our own ways at our own speeds. I am mediocre but I love the sport and that’s all that matters.