It Is Not Okay


 Dear Friends and Family,
 Bear with me as I go through this. I try to be open-minded and respectful of people and their feelings. I like to see all sides of a circumstance and understand the perspectives and feelings of those not my own and hold no judgment in their differences. I know we all have a right to our feelings. Right now, though, I am not interested in seeing the other side. Right now, I want to be angry, happy, sad, scared, frustrated, and hopeful. I am not interested in measuring my feelings. I will, I promise, but in the meantime I may (most certainly will) say, think, and feel things that will hurt someone’s feelings and for that I am truly sorry. But right now, I want to feel what I feel and not have to try to be so fucking understanding about it.
This one is particularly messy…sorry (but not really)
<<<<<>>>>>
 

It is not okay that I believed my mother was a piece of shit. 

 

It is not okay that I believed my mother didn’t want me.

 

It is not okay that I believe my mother gave me away (and yes, it is different from not wanting me)

 

It is not okay that I thought if my own mother couldn’t love me who the fuck else would?

 

It is not okay that I learned what it meant to be replaceable by the age of 3.

 

It is not okay that my brother believed he saw my father moments after his suicide when he did not.

 

It is not okay that we believed my mother taught him an awful song about it when she did not, and the truth is that my adoptive mother remembers it so…

 

It is not okay that someone did teach him an awful song about it.

 

 It is not okay that EVEN THOUGH my parents chose me to be their daughter I couldn’t find solace.

 

 None of this is fucking okay; the years I spent loathing myself; the years I spent loathing my mother; the years I spent blaming myself; the years I spent stuck on the repeat of “I don’t belong. I don’t belong. I don’t belong;” the years I spent on repeat hurting the only parents I knew because I couldn’t let it go; the years I was asked to let it go. Let it go? It? My life? Let it go? How? HOW?

 

It is not okay that when I was angry I would remind my mom that she was not my mother – when she was the only one I knew, the one who cared for me when I was sick, the one who grounded me for being a brat, the one who had to deal with my bitchy teenaged years.  

 

It is not okay that the woman (my biological grandmother) whose husband sexually abused my mother, who refused to take care of us while my mother sought help, who told my mother she was a terrible person who did not deserve her children, who is a fucking paranoid schizophrenic, and who is by all accounts an evil person was allowed to even utter words to anyone let alone a social worker – and so help me god if she is responsible for this…

 

 It is not okay my mother spent 29 years regretting her decision to get the help she needed because it brought about the events which turned into the biggest fucking mistake of her life.

 

It is not okay my mother feels like a failure.

 

It is not okay that the choice was taken from us.

 

It is not okay that someone else decided how our lives would be from now on.

 

It is not okay that we were all blindsided by the decision; my brother thinking mama was just one day gone; my mother thinking she was waiting for us to come back to home.  

 

It’s not okay that my mother was not allowed to raise her children – shit gets hard, some lives are better than others, she loved us, we loved her, she was seeking help, and yet she didn’t get the chance.

 

It is not okay that I did not get to be my mother’s bratty, bitchy teenager.

 

 

 
 

I have a lot of anger.

 

I also have a lot of guilt.


 

 
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About Anonymous Burn

I'm just a girl who has a blog. But I'm kinda groovy, too.

15 thoughts on “It Is Not Okay

  1. wildcatnova says:

    None of those things are okay. I’m sorry that you have had to live them, and that your whole family(ies) has, too.

    What is very, very okay is that you have the rest of your life knowing the truth. You are and have always been loved and wanted.

  2. prysmatique says:

    😦 I am reaching out to you to give you a hug right now. Feel that warm embrace of air? That’s me sending you my consolations. I never know what to say but I’m a good listener (reader) and I think that writing about all of this is definitely helping you sort out the pain. None of that is okay, but none of it could be helped either. You were too small to take charge of the situation and now the best you can do is try to progress from here onwards with renewed and truthful understanding.

    • Yes, I feel it. Thank you. Some days I’m so flipping mad and other days I’m really sad and then others I’m just happy to be here now. Happy will take over soon, I can feel it – I’m just also really freakin’ pissed.

      • prysmatique says:

        Being pissed is alright. You have to be mad, but it just isn’t as easy as pinning that anger towards somebody. Even harder to get rid of anger you can’t direct at something, you know? Now you just have to appreciate what you hopefully have for the rest of your life. You can’t take things back but you also have to understand that regardless of what happened all those years ago, your “mom” took care of you and your brother.

        • That’s the guilt. I know who my parents are. I know who raised me but it doesn’t change that I am angry that someone took away what other people take for granted: when you have a child that child comes home with you and is yours always. Your life together good/bad is what you make it but it’s yours naturally, organically. I could be okay with knowing my mom decided we were better off – but to be taken from her when she wanted to do the right thing, to be removed on someone else’s say so, manufacturing a scenario that didn’t have odds in it’s favor at the get go. I love my mom, I really do, but I wonder at if I ever gave her the chance because I always knew. I always wondered if things were different if it was because I didn’t belong. Having that caveat was a set up for failure and it wasn’t put there by my mom or by me but by the someone who did the deciding. That’s why I’m angry (I’m a control freak)

          • prysmatique says:

            No that’s perfectly reasonable to feel that way >< But you'll never know how any other scenario would have played out. Use your control freak-ness now to plot out all possible futures, then pick the best one 😛

  3. I agree that none of these things are ‘okay’. If you need to talk I’m here to listen

  4. Addie says:

    I am seriously at loss for words. I don’t have any way of knowing but, child, believe that soon it will be more okay than how I feel it is becoming these days.

    I don’t have the words. I hate that I can’t reach, physically reach you and hold your hand much tighter than I already said I would in one of your previous posts.

    I love you.

  5. TemptingSweets99 says:

    No, it’s not okay. i was just thinking of how lucky you are to be able to have an opportunity to talk to your birth mom and hear (and decide for yourself) her side of the story. Not every adopted person is able to always have that chance. They grow up hearing one story all their life and it turns out that the story isn’t as simple as told to them…

    • Yes. I am incredibly lucky. Until a month ago, I was one of those people and had no reason to suspect it would ever be otherwise and had not reason to suspect what I always *knew* wasn’t true – or at least was not the whole picture.

  6. Sofia says:

    Hugs…

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